Gerry, you have a fantastic start here! Certainly keep this to craft your one-page synopsis. Here, I recommend cutting this down by about a third. I think you can easily cut after the third sentence, beginning “With no political…”. That sentence has some redundancy with the first, but also includes some better details about Greg’s goals. Perhaps you can take some of the best of that and weave it into the shortened version.
May I suggest a rough idea for general construction:
[some word that defines Greg’s character before he is “out-of-character”; like “traditional” or “buttoned-up” or “straight-shooter”] SOC Greg gets demoted by Rosie [who is this and has done that during the rise of The Movement etc.]. [Then, “With no political…” can be tightened and become your last sentence.]
Jeff: now that makes for some colorful flapcopy! Details, voice, characters, direction, location, style, all coming through. There’s also an energy to it that suggests the reader will get to feel what it’s like to be there. Nice! My one thought is sentence #2 describes “place” in several different ways (vibrant, sleepy, tourist). Maybe that can be honed some, since you describe “place” again in the last sentence. (Also “wild” appears twice.)
Deborah, nice story arc coming through, really good details that paint a picture suggestive of tone, voice, place, time. This also looks to be a very rich character story with all the heartbreaking setbacks. Evocative and engaging.
A couple editorial suggestions: take a look at the verb tenses for continuity. It’s mostly present tense, which I think is strongest.
Is there a way you might combine the first two sentences? (The second also has a dangling modifier.) Perhaps you can turn the passive “she was catapulted…” into a more active construction: Annie [is dreaming this] when [he does this to her]…
Also, I think the ending, when in California she forms relationships and embraces who “she has become” suggests the final outcome, versus her process. For example, by focusing on her process, that she embraces what it means to become strong and independent, suggests more of what we’ll be reading as the adventure of the story, and being able to imagine the outcome (without having to spell it out entirely).
Really nicely done!
Girls and boys, this is good stuff! I’m learning lots and lots about writing my book. Only one caveat, the book is changing from what I thought it would be. Oh, well! Thanks again, and onward, upward! I can not make the Thursday meet, but will see you on Saturday.
Love these, can’t wait to see how these stories develop. we have a great collection here! thanks for the great feedback Moni, you’re a super-star…
Hey Bill! This is really wonderful. I see a rich landscape and deep philosophical exploration in a ghost story that feels new and fresh. I didn’t quite understand the reference for “their initial hostility” Hayes and Isamu? or Hayes and Isamu + others? If the latter, perhaps one way to clarify is to cut the “nor” clause altogether, as the next sentence may imply that hostility. I’m also curious about “reconcile estrangement with responsibility”: is Hayes the one who is estranged? Or is this in reference to Isamu? I wonder if the “responsibility” is a reference to the world Hayes is facing when he’s not around the ghosts. His “real-world” problems, so to speak. If so, maybe there is another element to think of highlighting as part of his conflict here. For example, does he face a legal or political or environmental decision as the heir to this mine? I like “trail through the thickets of identity and anger.”
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